Faith

Faith is a funny thing....belief in something we can't see. Its so easy for our children to have faith. They believe things we as adults can not even begin to comprehend, such as fairy tales and magic. As we grow older, faith is much more difficult to keep. My faith has been tested so much recently. God says for us to have faith in Him, trust that he will lead us in the right path. He always does, but it is so hard to take a leap of faith, even when we know it's what we have to do. My faith is being tested for sure lately...I know that God has a plan for my career but right now, it is horrible but I have faith that I am there for a reason. Today at church I was reminded that its not about me, its about Him. My happiness isn't the end all. Its about His plan and I am part of it. I will have faith and do the best I can to be part of that larger plan. Please use me Lord and i will keep trusting you.

My baby

Four years ago tomorrow I was blessed with the most beautiful blue eyed baby. Hate to brag but the only word I can describe him as was "perfect". When he was born, his lungs collapsed and he spent four says in ICU and I've never felt so helpless . But he is probably the strongest willed person I've ever met and recovered perfectly. I am so blessed by him, and tired. That strong will is also very tiring at times. He has always wanted to be " a big kid" and is not afraid to try things way before I have been ready for him to. Thank you God so much for my strong willed, independent "big kid."

Fear

Today I have felt lost. My job has taken a turn I was not ready to take and I feel alone, like I have failed. I am not the one for this job. My first instinct is to run. Run away and don't look back...run back to the familiar, to my comfort zone. I have lost sleep, complained and worried for two months about this. Tonight I prayed...I mean REALLY prayed, on my face, crying like a baby kind of praying. I want to hear God's voice, like how we hear a radio or I can hear my dishwasher going right now. It would be so much easier that way. But I kept hearing yesterdays sermon at church. It was about fear. I fought it so hard but I kept hearing that sermon. It was how God told Moses' people to cross that river, can't remember the name, to get to the promised land. But they were afraid and sat there, on the edge for forty years. He then told Joshua to get up and take them across the river to get the rewards they were promised. God told him several times...Be strong and courageous. God, I don't want to be strong OR courageous, but I know you know what you're doing. I have no idea why I was chosen for this but You do. I don't want this, but for some reason, You do. I accept that even though I still want to run...I trust you God. Please help me be strong and courageous.

Mommy guilt

I was recently asked if it is normal for moms to have a nagging, underlying sense of guilt. I don't know how "normal" it is but it is very common, at least for me. It all starts with parenting magazines in those doctor office waiting rooms when we are eagerly waiting for our prenatal checkups. They show glowing women perfectly balancing a fifty pound diaper bag, a perfectly clean toddler, all while cooking organic meals, working as a CEO of a Fortune 500 company while being adored by a model looking husband.....and then reality hits.  Motherhood is full of spit up, loss of sleep, an extra twenty pounds that WON'T go away and guilt. Guilt is a funny thing. It's irrational but persists nonetheless. Guilt that I couldn't breast feed, guilt that I can't be a stay-at-home mom, guilt that I HATE volunteering for school functions. Realistically I know I can't live up to those girls in the magazines. They have hairstylists and air brushing to hide the circles under their eyes. My boys are healthy, smart and well mannered. They love the Lord despite my lack of daily Bible studies with them...(which is a goal of mine). Will I continue to worry that I don't spend enough time checking homework and baking whole grain, organic, faux chocolate chip cookies?  Answer is yes. But I know the only perfect parent is God and He will provide what my boys need, even if I'm too tired sometimes to do so.

Changing the world

I grew up pretty sheltered, which I guess is good. I want my kids to be sheltered too. I always knew I wanted to help people and pursued my career to do just that. Therefore I am now a therapist working with emotionally disturbed children. It is a hard job and it only gets harder. The last few days have been the hardest of my career. It amazes me how a six year old can be so broken. I'll be honest, it makes me question my faith. How can our loving God allow a baby to go through so much? I feel guilty for even thinking that but I think God will understand. There are days I want to do something else, today is one of them. I am so blessed with my children and husband. I don't want my boys to even know what I have to see daily. My heart is just broken for "my kids". Lord, give me strength to do your will and keep my faith that you know what you are doing.

"The Middle"

My boys are almost eight years apart in age. Two different worlds apart....one in preschool, another starting middle school in two days. I asked my sweet little boy , well, he's almost as tall as me, if he was ready for it. His reply, " uh, YEAH! The girls there are HOT!" My reply, "Huh?"  When did this happen ?  I know that just a few days ago my child was playing dress up in cowboy clothes running around with stick for an imaginary gun.....wait, that really WAS a few days ago.  The "middle " is a funny place. Not quite a teenager, not quite a little kid. They are moody and irritable one minute, wanting to snuggle on your lap the next. I am not ready for him to quit playing dress up and start noticing girls. It hurts my heart.... but its starting to happen and I'll be there for him through every heart break, worry, and new experience. And I will cherish every time he wants to snuggle by me.

Boys

I have boys. We don't have anything pink in my home and we won't even go into smells. That's a story all it's own. Boys are interesting creatures. My boys have the biggest, kindest, most mischievous hearts. They will kiss and snuggle one minute and break my heart the next, not that they mean to of course. They are honest, sometimes brutally so. For example, my youngest has made the most endearing comments such as "mommy, you're fat." I love my child, I love my child (keep repeating until I stop crying).  Meanwhile the other boys are all laughing. However, they break my heart in other ways as well.  "I love you infinity and beyond", and "mommy, I want to be with you forever." Boys....natural born heartbreakers, and I wouldn't change a thing.

Organization

Organization, or the lack thereof, is going to be the death of me. School starts in one week and I am both excited and totally not ready. I still get that feeling of a new beginning like I did as a kid when I spent a week planning what I would wear the first day of school. My boys do not share that same enthusiasm. We battle everyday to get them back in their "school routine" of going to bed early and waking up even earlier. It really doesn't matter. I know every morning there will be crying, lost shoes, and at least one homework assignment that conveniently was forgotten. Rarely have I made it out the door without oatmeal as an accessory for my clothes...and that's okay. I will continue to strive to improve my household organization skills by attempting a menu plan, having baskets at entryways to catch papers and keys, and select a weeks worth of outfits at a time. Wish me luck! In the long run, how organized I am is not what my kids will remember...maybe that extra ten minutes of snuggle time in the morning is more important.

Family...

I bought a book this weekend about homesteading. What is homesteading you ask? Basically getting back to "old time" ways like gardening, canning, and living off the land. Basically the way my grandparents lived their whole lives. This book brought back some great memories of my sister and I rolling a jar of cream back and forth across grandma's living room making butter. That was the sweetest thing I ever tasted with her homemade jelly and biscuits.

I wish my life was simpler. It's not exactly complicated I guess but it's not like I have a whole lot of time to spend making butter. I work full time with emotionally disturbed children, I have been married for almost fifteen years to my best friend and have two beautiful boys . I believe God has blessed me greatly and I thank Him daily. I am busy. My house is rarely clean though I can get one room clean at a time, on a good day. Supper is usually rushed and not always complete with veggies, though I try. There are even occasions when my child's socks don't match when he leaves for school.  Oh well, I think overall we are doing pretty good. I have a wonderful family even if we are far from perfect. My goal is to work to grow closer to Christ, be a good wife and mother....and maybe make time to teach my kids how to make some butter.

How it all began....

Once in my undergraduate studies many years ago, I took a class on creative writing. Just a fluff, filler class my senior year. I enjoyed the class and listened to my professor, who had published several books, talk about having lunch with several rather famous authors. I didn't take the class seriously and pretty much goofed off. He told me at the end of the semester, "I wouldn't quit your day job if I were you." Now I have my Master's degree and always enjoyed writing essays and term papers, but never ventured into other more creative writing. Okay, professor..... I'm not quitting my day job but here we go.....